i jhust puked up my retainher.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
