I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
