her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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