Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
