Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
