70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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