Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
