GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
soo... how was my night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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