my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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