Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
