Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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