I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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