i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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