Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
