she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
