Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
