My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
