I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
