I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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