I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
