totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
