Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
