You're so nebulous sometimes
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
