when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
