I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
