why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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