I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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