Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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