It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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