Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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