hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize