I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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