ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
