i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
