On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
