What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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