This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
