He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Randomize
