i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
