nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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