and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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