My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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