I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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