I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
