Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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