I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
