Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
