She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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