I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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