whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
