I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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