Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
