my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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