my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
