so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
