you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
